MUSINGS ...
OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY TO PA'A NOAH
by Egbe Monjimbo on 04/23/20
I guess what you are about to read below is an example of what can happen when a MA'A deviates from her "prescribed" Morning Scripture Reading and goes a-lurking, a-pondering and a-searching!
Morning oh, Dearest PA’A NOAH!
HOW FAR?
I just thought I should pen you these few werds of mine, mainly to apologize for not giving you as much “KONDÔ” as I now realize you really deserve!
Prior to this CORO-DRIVEN “SHELTER AT HOME”/QUARANTINE SEASON, if anyone had asked me to list 10, (or even 20 seff), of my favorite BIBLE HEROS, I am embarrassed to say you are not at all likely to have made the cut oh!
Ah for start from Abraham, jump go for Moses, Samuel, King David and his “boy” Solo, sotey go reach for Daniel and Samson dem! In facK, I might even have thought of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, – even Biggest Papa Methuselah, before I ever ‘membah-ed you!!!!
It is only NOW like dis; aftah observing how DIFFICULT it is to “ISOLATE”; to “CONFINE”; to “QUARANTINE” oneself for days on end, that I have come to realize that you who stayed in that ARK and came out of it still SANE, as in, “OF SOUND MIND AND BODY”, are one of the DONNEST DUDES to have ever existed, ah shuweh!
You see, before, what I marveled at was the fact that GOD HIMSELF declared you to be “JUST”, “RIGHTEOUS” and “PERFECT”, though living among people who were so evil, corrupt and plain “WIKET”, that He made the decision to just wipe them out, as in, OBLITERATE, kpata-kpata!!!
Something else I also readily credited you with, is your exemplary OBEDIENCE to GOD in going on to build that 3 DECK MBOLO “ship” in preparation for a FLOOD, at a time when “RAIN” was a totally unknown, foreign, never-before-seen phenomenon!!!
Right now, Dear BA’A, my reasons for cutting you CAFÉ are a little different and more specific, having observed and experienced the prevailing constraints brought on by this PANDEMIC NDON!
THEREFORE, COGNIZANT OF THE FOLLOWING FACTS, I AM WILLING TO DRAFT A PETITION TO BE FORWARDED TO THE POPE, REQUESTING YOUR INSTANT CANONIZATION, IF IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU DON’T ALREADY RANK AMONG THE SAINTS! AND IF YOU ALREADY DO, THEN I WILL CLAMOR FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE PROMOTION TO "FON OF SAINTS" or something! MBALLE!:
- DURATION OF STAY ON DE ARK: Somehow, it is “40 DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS” that first came to my mind with regards to the duration of your stay in that ARK, before I recalled that, that is just the duration of the non-stop, DEBUNSCHA-like rain that came down! You were actually in that ARK for over 1 YEAR – 370 days being the commonly accepted figure!!! Çaaaaaaaaa! Papa: We have been in this LOCK DOWN thing for just about a month now, and it is killing us oh!!!!
We even get to go out to the market, pharmacy or some other “ESSENTIAL” place but that is a “LUXURY” you DID NOT and COULD NOT enjoy, not only because you would have DROWNED instantly had you tried to set foot outside, but because, as GENESIS 7:16 says, na GOD YI SEP-SEP, be actually take yi Hand, LOCK DOOR for da Ark!!! (Wedah you fit beg yi, make yi cam lock some of we door dem now so, as people dey itch to “return to normal” wey de werld is nowhere near normal yet oh??!!)
- THOSE BEEPS!!!: OK! Staying home with BINGO de DOG, KIKI de POLY-POLY and even NAMONDO deh SHWINE, is one thing!!!! Being inside an ARK with all those 2 by 2, Man and Woman pikin BEEFS (OF NO NATION), from (BONA) MUKENGEs and MANAWAs to FROTAMBOs, NGILAs and MBOMAs – and all other sorts of NYAMAs, is a whole different pan of DODO & BINGCE!!! (And now, just listing those creatures has brought to mind one of my favorite Primary School Songs! Weh!
H-I-P for deh HIP! (For deh HI-PO-PO!!!)
P-O, P-O, for deh HI-PO-PO;
T-A-M-U-S, for deh HI-PO-PO-TAMUS!!!!
Enough digression!
As I was saying before I rudely interrupted my own self, ah no sabi how you manage cope wit de situation oh!
Onley de STENCH!!! (Or GOD be provide some supernatural ANIMAL DEODORANT oh??? !!! After all, it is clear He got them BEEPS to abide by some sort of TRUCE or PEACE TREATY If no be so, Mr. and Mrs. PUSSY for surely damé Monsieur et Madame ARRATA within the first 2 seconds of boarding that ARK, yah!!!
And then na which kine GIANT BASIN be contain all de MOROCCO FISH, KUTA and NJANGA dem eh? Or God be juh temporarily equip dem all wit BREATHING-OUTSIDE-WATA capabilities??
I do recall that the ARK had 3 decks to it, so the BEEPS probably had their own “LIVING QUARTERS” but then, the BIBLE clearly states at least twice – in Genesis 6: 19 and 20 that GOD said he would bring the animals to YOU, for YOU to “KEEP THEM ALIVE”!!!! Maaaaaassa! That means you couldn’t just find a corner and “KACK with Mrs. “N” oh! You had to see that they had all been fed, even if you might have delegated some tasks to the 7 other HUMANS with you on that ARK! (Thank God, it wasn't me this task was assigned to! The WORLD would have been missing some species thereafter, or there would have had to be a supplementary, "remedial" CREATION after what is recorded in GENESIS 1 to "rectify" the calamity! Choi!
Time to ask how you managed to RATION the food, to make it last for OVER A YEAR???!!!
NINI!! We dey na onley we 3 inside dis house, and bettah is NOT!!! We stocked up for a month, yet, inside only da 1 month, we don re-stock and re-re-stock oh! COOKING and EATING have actually become TO DO “PROJECTS”!!!
And we even get kine by kine “electronics” – plus ONLINE SCHOOL and WORK-FROM-HOME lap and desktops, not to talk of Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter and Instagram AND TELEVISION/NETFLIX, etc. to make things less BORING for us!!!!
3. CASE JUDGING:
THE EKAITE CHALLENGE!!!
by Egbe Monjimbo on 04/13/20
- OUR CATERERS, EVENT PLANNERS, RESTAURANT OWNERS etc. who made a living by COOKING FOOD for, ARRANGING and RENTING out various items for EVENTS that have all been CANCELED. Even the little orders they had on the side for just "Family Consumption" are not happening anymore because everyone is WORKING FROM HOME and is quite thrilled to GRATTAH their own COCO from scratch and actually POUND MBANGA wit MORTAH and MORTAH pestle! In fact, some of us would readily use a PEPPER STONE & GRINDING STONE if only to make up for the arm workout that used to happen in the NOW SHUT DOWN GYM!!!
How do all these people - and their staff, pay their RENT, FEED themselves and their families? - OUR SEAMSTRESSES: Who dey sew closs now so? For wear'am go woosai???
- OUR DJs and PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS: "DANGCE"??? Na onley inside house, You and ya walkman oh! "SNAFF"??? We all dey take na onley SELFIE of we "seffs" in our pajamas!
- CLASS OF 2020 GRADUATES who have, for years, looked forward to their now canceled Graduation Ceremonies and Celebrations. (You may say "na some bettah ting dat?" but for a STUDENT, that is a HUGE deal!)
- WORKING CLASS people engaged in services that are NOT deemed "ESSENTIAL" and, as such have been put "on furlough"!!! And then ...
- THE BEREAVED!!!
If their loved one passed on from COVID-19, it has not just taken the LIFE of their LOVED one, but also denied them, (the bereaved persons), the privilege of getting the much needed CLOSURE that normally comes from either being with their loved one at their hospital bedside as they transition, or at least giving them a befitting burial.
If their loved one has passed on from "other causes", they have to hold off - INDEFINITELY, on any Funeral Plans, since the various LOCK DOWN measures in place around the globe do NOT allow for TRAVEL and "CONGREGATING" - 2 of the main things involved in Funeral Arrangements. In fact, what of even ... - YOU & I who may not be sick now, but are SCARED out of our wits every time we MUST step out of our homes - masked or not, terrified each time we check the mailbox - gloved or not!
"CORO" CHRONICLES (EPISODE III)
by Egbe Monjimbo on 03/31/20Well,
SEPARATION ...
That's what's on my mind!
NOT "SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE" or any such "complicated" type of thing oh!
Just a HOW-MAN-GO-DO-UNDAH-DEH-SHELTER-IN-PLACE CIRCUMSTANCES, "UN-FIXABLE" kind of SEPARATION ...
- First, between my GOD-GIVEN and my SHOP-BOUGHT HAIR, and
- Second, between my GOD-FASHIONED FINGERNAILS and the VIETNAMESE ACRYLIC, NYANGA-RACIOUS type oh!
Since HAIR BRAIDING and NAIL SALONS do NOT rank as "essential services" nah, dis SEPARATION ACHI QUITE UN-FIXABLE!
Took off my "held-togedah-by-a-SAFETING pin" hair bonnet whose ELASTIC surrendah-ed a couple of days ago, and 1 braid landed on the bathroom floor.
Wish I had seen it happen!
Well, I did not, and that is why my "UN-SPECTACLED" eyes identified it as a SMALL PIKIN MBOMA when I saw it lying curled up there, and proceeded to SCREAM loud enough to wake up everyone resting peacefully in that entire NEW TOWN, VICTORIA "Burying Grang"! Eh ma eeeeh! Just thankful I did not "SPRING" my ankles when both my feet made it back to earth, following my OLYMPICS-WORTHY HIGH JUMP!!
As for the Acrylic, I just wistfully watch it travel away and desert my nails, everyday, in the most pitiful "WATA GO LEFF STONE" of ways! Tsuiiip! It has gone past BATOKE and IDENAU and may just be reaching SANTA ISABEL, as in, FERNANDO PO shortly!!!!
The only things I have observed doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of this whole "SEPARATION" thing, are my EYEBROWS which are instead eagerly getting ready to EMBRACE EACH OTHER at the JUNCTION, (as in CARREFOUR), located directly above my nose!
MBA NA! Dis UPSIDE is 'TRONGER than TRONG KANDA sep-sep!
Can only pray that the day doesn't soon come when I find myself WAVING AT MY OWN REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, totally convinced that a "stranger" has come visiting ooooo!! LOL!!!
Well, still just trying to STAY SAFE with my hands that I have WASHED and WASHED to the point that I am CERTAIN that my FINGAH PRINTS no longer match what deh KAYMAYROON Governmen' has in its archives ...
Anyway, let's all just keep being as KIAHFUL ... and PRAYERFUL as we can dassoh oh!
GOD BLESS & PROTECT US ALL!
GOLDEN SAXOPHONE! BARITONE VOICE! GLISTENING BALD HEAD! SIGNATURE DARK GLASSES ... OUT!!!!
by Egbe Monjimbo on 03/24/20
There really isn't ANYTHING I - or anyone else for that matter, could write that would do any justice to this MULTI-TALENTED, HIGHLY RESPECTED AND RESPECTABLE, WELL ACCOMPLISHED, WORLD RENOWNED, LEGENDARY and ICONIC - yet so HUMBLE, SIMPLE AND DOWN TO EARTH, PHENOM OF AN ARTIST!!!!!
In so many more ways than anyone could count, he served as a far more WORTHY AMBASSADOR FOR HIS CONTINENT (AFRICA) and HIS NATION (CAMEROON) than many a statesman ever could, can or will, and for THAT, I SALUTE YOU, "GRAND MANU"!
WE, as in, BANA BA CAMEROON, HONOR YOU!!!!
WALA BWAM, SANGO EMMANUEL NJOKE DIBANGO!
The fact that we have lost you to this MERCILESS, DREADFUL, CORONA VIRUS SCOURGE just makes your demise that much more painful, MOLA! But ...
SOMA LOBA, dassoh!!!
Ever so wistfully,
Egbe Mbiwan Monjimbo
P.S. Wouldn't it just be neat if he and CHARLOTTE MBANGO could get together "up yonder" and actually do "DOUALA SERENADE" as a DUET this time complete with the WHISTLING at the beginning???
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrJ1Lg5gXjs (MANU'S ORIGINAL)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDGSkyLvRh0 (CHARLOTTE'S VERSION)
"CORO" CHRONICLES (EPISODE II)
by Egbe Monjimbo on 03/23/20
GOOOD MORNING, TO Y'ALL!
Not sure what plans or "strategies" you've got up your sleeve to take on this new work week. Here's kinda what I'm looking to do ...
A. MAINTAIN MORNING ROUTINE:
1.
SAY A QUICK “GOOD MORNING” TO PAPA GOD and
APOLOGIZE for not immediately delving into FULL BIBLE STUDY & PRAYER MODE
since, I first have to:
2. VERY CALCULATEDLY & ATTENTIVELY SWALLOW SPIT 5 TIMES to verify
that I don’t have that “SORE THROAT” CORO SYMPTOM; then …
3. PROCEED TO HOLD MY BREATH FOR 15 SECONDS, which is 5 seconds LONGER than the
time prescribed by all those “DOCTORS” in the WhatsApp Videos, to check for any CORO-induced
FIBROSIS; then …
4. TAKE THE FIRST OF MY “EVERY FIFTEEN-FIFTEEN MINUTES” SIPS OF H2O
(which deh very WhatsApp has told me to drink, in odah to wash down any
possible COROS into my “stomuck” for the “NDOS”, NJIM TÉTÉ ACIDS lying in wait
therein, to MASH them lekeh peppeh!)
5. HAVING PASSED ALL THE AFORE-MENTIONED TESTS (hopefully), SHOUT
HALLELUJAH and launch into “MORNING MEDITATION” whose end time I can gauge when
I start hearing the MILLENNIAL HOUSE TENANTS fidgeting arang in deh kitchen, as
in, KWERULLING over who deserves the last pancake left over from last night:
Deh person who fried it, or deh one who “permed” it in deh Microwave?
(Interesting how they are not even considering THE PERSON who actually MADE the
pancake mixture – and also GAVE BIRTH TO THEM BOTH! This werld eh??!!
2. B. FIND SOME “PLANKS” TO USE AS SIGN BOARDS FOR THE
3 ASSIGNED OFFICE SPACES THAT NOW OPERATE OUT OF THIS HOUSE, SINCE MA & HER 2 OFFSPRING ARE ALL "WORKING FROM HOME":
(Yes, indeed oh! If this QUARANTINE is going to last as long
as plausible reports indicate it will, then we’d better get “organized” yah!)
SIGN #1: “MALLARD CREEK HIGH SCHOOL”:
MASTER BEDROOM & KITCHEN COUNTER TOP. There are still some “functions”
this “MA”, who must oscillate - as in, "SELF-UBER" between her “BOILING PLANTI” and ONLINE TEACHING tasks, cannot execute on a laptop so
she has to be able to go from DESKTOP to LAPTOP (empty foot, as in, 10 toes),
in a matter of SECONDS!
SIGN #2: “BANK OF AMERICA”:
STUDY ROOM UPSTAIRS, far enough from MOTHER’s
2 offices mentioned above, so that Mom's intermittent, spontaneous, sporadic and
totally unpredictable BURSTS into SINGING do not get heard by DAUGHTER’s CONFERENCE
CALL COLLEAGUES who are now wondering what the heck the “ISOKOLOKO! ISOKOLOKO WÉ
WEH EEEH” and “ÇA C’EST LE BRÉKÉTÉ-BRAKATA!!” they overheard last week means! (In
my defense: How was I to know that the girl I had just seen draining PASTA in
the kitchen sink a couple of minutes prior, was now “ON A WORK CONFERENCE
CALL"??? Tsuuuuuuip!!
SIGN #3: ATRIUM HEALTH:
LIVING ROOM NEXT TO FRONT DOOR to facilitate any
eventual answering of the doorbell. (Still don’t understand why I was
unanimously FIRED (as in, SACKED and APPELÉE À D’AUTRES FONCTIONS) from this task, simply because I allegedly "waste too
much time” to first put on my SURGICAL GLOVES & MASK, MY RAIN COAT, (it is
the only thing I possess that looks closest to what I see those Doctors in
ITALY wearing noh?), and grab the LYSOL DISINFECTING SPRAY!
AND, YES! I did spray one of the packages a little too much, resulting in
the contents getting all wet, (I’d say damp), but that was only because I clearly
saw that it had been shipped from CHINA nah??!!! Hah-ah???
Hmmm! BETTER REMEMBER TO LOCATE OGA
MONJIMBO’S SPARE, (VERY UNROMANTIC), C-PAP MACHINE oh! Aftr’all, if it helped
with “SLEEP APNEA” breathing, why can it not helep with any, (GOD FORBID!!!)
CORO-related breathing issues???!
And, now that I have gone and mentioned the
“R” word, (as in, ROMANCE), I have to confess that, given my status as a “MA”,
who takes her TITUS 2: 3-5 task very seriously, I am wondering how to advise my
YOUNGER SISTERS, should they seek my advice in these CORO TIMES, vis-à-vis this
“SOCIAL DISTANCING” Palava which has the potential to “PUT ASUNDAH” what
OBASE Himself “PUT TOGEDAH”!!!
-
Are they allowed to use this “SOCIAL DISTANCING”
thing as a substitute – or even in combination with the OLD-AS-EVE, nocturnal “AH
BEG! AH GET HEADACHE” excuse???
-
Should I call them out if, instead of admitting
that Oga’s COUGH & SNEEZE at Dinner Time has driven every ROMANTIC/KISSY-KISSY
thought right out their mind, they SUDDENLY, (AFTER DEH FACT), instead claim
they are “ABSTAINING BECAUSE DIS IS DEH SEASON OF LENT”???
Isn’t that plain cheating? The same way, some of us cannot just suddenly cite “I AM GOING TO STAY AWAY FROM THE MALL” as our FASTING-FOR-LENT resolution, ONLY NOW THAT “CORO” HAS ALL THE MALLS CLOSED BY FORCE!!! LOL!!
By the way, for THOU WHO KNOWEST NOT WHAT THE BIBLE SAYETH in the TITUS
Scripture mentioned above, HERE IT IS for THEE!!!
Titus 2:3-5 New International Version
(NIV)
3 Likewise, teach the older women to be
reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine,
but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their
husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to
be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the
word of God.
Well, I better go WASH WATA and prepare for
this ONLINE TEACHING mattah!!! (Trouble meet’up Besongabang geh!)
LORD, step in and prevent me from
responding with comments like,
. “ WEY ONLEY 1 WEEK DON PASS?? YOU GO
COPE SO??”,
. “E SWEET OOO!!! AH SHUCA!!” ,
. “AH NO BE DON TELL YOU??” ,
. “OH TASTE AND SEE!!” and,
. YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET!
to emails from the exasperated and
overwhelmed parents of my “TYRONEs”, “BUBBAs”, “LOQUEESHAs” and “SUE-ANNs” who
are having a tough time dealing with the same kids they insisted, prior to this
“BY FORCE HOME SCHOOLING” season, were “HOLIER” and far better behaved than ANGEL
“GABBY” and ARCHANGEL “MIKE” combined!
Tsuiiiiiiip!!
OK, FOLKS!
HAVE A BLESSED DAY, REGARDLESS!!!
“E” deh “BLOGGAH”
